Thursday, January 04, 2007

My Interview With God

FYI: This is just fiction. Meant solely as humor. Don’t be hating now.

So I’m on break and lunch reading news and what not on the internet. And lately I’ve noticed a lot of articles about God. Or more matter of factly a disbelief in God, namely atheism. Like an article I just read about people posting vids on YouTube, claiming that they don't. With most articles having no voice of their own of the Big Guy in the Sky himself. Like God was unavailable for comment.

So far be it for Conjure One to not see both sides of the story. So with a slew of questions and an open mind, I decided to have a Q & A with the man himself. Here’s how the interview went.

C1: So how are you doing today?

G: Pretty good. It’s been one of those days though. You know, still trying to clean up last years mess. But after a cup of joe and a chocolate biscuit, it’s all good.

C1: Awesome. Do you drink Starbucks?

G: Yeah every so often. But I got me one of those Cuisinart DCC-1200 brewers. Best $70.00 bucks I ever spent. But you can’t go cheap on the beans either. Freshly ground’s the way to go.

C1: Oh yeah I’ve seen those. Very nice. And I agree, fresh is best. Hey I rhymed.

G: Totally. Plus you know, Starbucks everyday…it adds up. Those four and five dollar drinks, added up at the end of the month. I look at my bank card statement and its like “ know”.

C1: Oh I know, I cut way back. Now it’s just a treat.

G: Yeah I agree. You should see the angel Gabriel in the accounts dept. He showed me the bill one time. I was like, ok guys, we need to cut back.

C1: Yep.

C1: So I’ve been reading a lot lately about people not believing in you, even posting video’s on Youtube and stuff. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of the articles lately.

G: Oh yeah. (smirks) I’ve read them.

C1: Cool. So may I ask, what’s your take on them?

G: Oh yeah sure. Well I’m fine with it. I mean I don’t force people to worship me or anything. That’s why I gave you all free will. If they do I ask that do so from their heart. A lot of people have this idea that I’m some omnipotent being that forces people to do so.

C1: So how do you defend the fact that you don’t force people to do so?

G: Well truthfully a lot of what people do in worship, I’m quite puzzled with. I don’t remember telling people to start Crusades, inquisitions, etc. Some high and mighty men thought everyone should worship just like they do. Again a man made problem.

C1: So you don’t promote forced belief?

G: Oh my no. See this thing here? (holds up the Bible) People read this and are like, “Oh man this guy is all force people to do this and that, etc.” But then again most people who have these opinions don’t read it. Then again most people who go to church have never read it either. People believe what other people have told them to believe, like from Bible scholars then they draw their conclusions from there. Or “organized religion” supposedly teaches them from here. Most of what they say is made up. Or people just read it to find faults. It’s just common sense stuff. Give me a break guys.

C1: Really? How so?

G: Uhm….Ok. Example. The Trinity. This weird belief of three beings, being one. It’s just weird. I think that whole belief started in Babylon or something, and somehow ended up being taught in Christian religion. Look it up in an encyclopedia for yourself, again a whole belief made up by a few men, then believed by billions. I don’t remember telling any of my writers to put down something like that. I’m amazed that half the stuff you guys believe in has nothing to do with me or the Bible.

C1: So you’re saying a lot of what is taught is made up stuff.

G: Exactly

C1: Hmmm…What about people saying you’re the cause of suffering and then asking why?

G: Let me put it this way. Who invented the gun, the atomic bomb, trans fats?

C1: That’d be us.

G: And who said you had to use them against other men?

C1: Us again.

G: You got it.

C1: But people claim to do so in your name…

G: I know that’s the worst part. I mean how would you like to have a war with millions of people wiped out in “your” name. It’s appalling. It’s like guys, “Come on. Am I making you do this?”

C1: I see your point.

G: It’s just upsetting, sometimes you just got to hang you head and sigh.

C1: I think I get you know.

G: There’s a lot more to it, but that’s the basic thing in a nut shell.

C1: So how about some fun Q&A.

G: Sure. I know what you have planned, this should be good.

C1: Hey, no reading my mind.

G: LOL My bad. Shoot.

C1: Ok, boxers of briefs? The world’s gotta know.

G: Boxer-briefs. The best of both worlds. I gotta say if you all spent more time making inventions like these, the world would be a better place.

C1: LOL. Uhm….ok. Favorite song?

G: It sounds weird, but R.E.M.’s: “It’s The End of the Worlds As We Know It” We jam out to that in the Celestial Chariot.

C1: Awesome. I know all the words to that song.

G: LOL. That’s a talent. When Jesus and I are driving around, we can just do the chorus. We look like Chris Farley and David Spade in Tommy Boy, when the main lyrics come on.

C1: Too funny.

C1: Ok, favorite sentimental song?

G: Wreck of the Edmonds Fitzgerald – Gordon Lightfoot.

C1: Oh really? My dad loves that song.

G: Yeah I know. lol The guys roll their eyes when I crank it up.

C1: So what’s your favorite book of the Bible.

G: I answered this once. But it’s still the same. 2 Samuel. It’s a Godfather Part 2 kinda thing.

C1: How do you view prayer?

G: It’s a great way to talk. But I gotta say, there’s a fine line between prayer and whining.


C1: When are the Red Sox going to win another Series? I’m a big fan.

G: Ohhh….uhm…let me get back to you on that one?

C1: Favorite drink?

G: With or without alcohol?

C1: With

G: A mojito.

C1: I love those. I went on this cruise once and they had a mojito bar. That was awesome.

G: I’ve been meaning to go on one of those.

C1: You should, good buffets too. Just make sure you wash your hands, lots of people don’t. Then you end up sick like they have recently on those ships.

G: Yeah I think personal hygiene was a one of those common sense commands I had them write in the Bible somewhere.

C1: Oh yeah, I forgot were at though.

G: Eh…somewhere in the front.

C1: Oh yeah.

C1: Favorite movie?

G: Lost in Translation. I love Bill Murray. Best actor ever. I might have to smite the Academy if they don’t give him an Oscar soon.

C1: LOL. I agree. That Scarlett Johansen wasn’t bad either (growls)

G: LOL Down boy. Down


C1: Well my times almost up. Any other words of advice?

G: If you have something important to say, always say “BEHOLD” in a loud booming voice, and you’ll get everyone’s attention.

C1: Thanks for the advice.

G: No prob. Take care now.

C1: I will.

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