More whatnot

Breakfast always tastes better in the country.

Especially if any part of it is applewood smoked.

Your wife is pregnant, not "preggers" or "pregs." (This I learned from watching grown men on daytime telle on TLC)

Umpires will never call or resume a game that has been delayed by rain until you have driven exactly 3.2 miles from the stadium.

When lending a friend a DVD or CD, it is always best to make sure the disc is in it's case.

Deduct 10 points from the friend meter if it isn't.

The "Dave" DVD was not in it's case. -10 pts <---That's for you "R"

If your tattoo's design comes out of a well-thumbed catalog with a three-digit number beside it, there's a pretty good chance you're not the wild man you think you are.

Come to think of it, winter deserves shortened Fridays just as much as summer does.

No one will ever be as impressed with your collection of sports memorabilia as you are.

Cordless phones always disappoint eventually.

Letting it go to voice mail is overrated. Just answer the phone and take care of business.

A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.

Mail with windows is never good.

If your dream involves an elaborate scheme to urinate, get up and take a pee.

The best villains have accents and walk slowly.

You don't pay cash at the dentist.

The phrase "assume the position" should be avoided on the first date.

Beware of restaurants that have walls adorned with anchors.

Avoid any doctor whose middle name appears in quotes.

Aspire to be the kind of person you've convinced your grandparents you already are.

You are twice as likely to get lost using GPS as you are with a paper map.

The last slice of pie is the tastiest.

If you can't make it good, make it big. And if you can't make it big, make it red.

During the time one is standing above the midget urinal, one is precisely two thirds of a man.

No bioweapons jokes in the cover letter.

Be wary the man who shakes your hand while remaining in his seat.

Restaurants that demand that you call them to confirm are 73 percent more likely to have haughty servers.

Wearing a trash-bag poncho is actually worse than getting wet.

It's never a good idea to eat an egg-salad sandwich on public transportation.

Desperate housewives don't look like that.

You gotta know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em and when to stop quoting Kenny Rogers during poker games.

The house blend is always hotter than the flavored coffee.

Avoid any restaurant where the daily specials are displayed by way of plastic replicas.

A man should never own more than two pairs of convertible pants.

Flame decals do not fool passersby into thinking your car is "hot."

There is no shame in using Western utensils for Eastern cuisine.

After three drinks, before you yell, throw, or type anything, stop for a few seconds and think about just what it is you're up to.

Any medical condition is made less terrifying if you place "the ol' " before it: "the ol' cancer," "the ol' pneumonia," "the ol' herpes," "the ol' gall-bladder."

In ascending order of viscosity: ointment, balm, salve, unguent.

In ascending order of funniness: balm, ointment, unguent, salve.

Nothing good can come from arguing with an old woman.

The calla lily is the best flower.

Roses? Please.

There is an exactly 2 percent chance that you will be seated next to a beautiful single woman on your next flight.

Less if you're flying first class. Then again, who cares--it's first class.

Be wary of trusting another man's assistant.

If your goal is to see a beautiful woman on television, look no further than the Spanish-language networks.

The top three inventions of the last hundred years: Internet, television, breath strip.

There is no masculine way to carry a squash racket.

People will forgive a well-dressed man anything.

Men who complain about wearing tuxedos are twice as likely to have a black-tie wedding.

You can't go wrong with a white oxford shirt.

Only after the host has removed his jacket or tie can you follow suit.

The same does not apply for shoes or shirts. Those stay on.

If you feel uncomfortable, you look uncomfortable.

It is always better to be slightly overdressed than slightly underdressed.

What the hell happened to Sesame Street?

When you're sick and even the Price is Right is not playing, you know it's going to be one of those weeks.

Invariably when you have surgery, said surgery will not allow you to sleep the way that is most comfortable.

Can you tell I'm rather bored?

Whatnot

You really need more like two apples a day to keep the doctor away.

Harvard Extension is not Harvard

Never select a tatoo just because its on sale.

There is no need to thank someone for their "thank you" card.

A muffin is just a cake in the shape of a mushroom.

A power bar is just a candy bar in a shiny wrapper.

If you're making a sign to hold up at a sporting event, it doesn't hurt to use a dictionary.

When meeting new people: The first name terminating in an "i" is strike one. Dotting the "i" with a heart is strike two. And if it's a guy, that's strike three.

You live to regret trading in those CD's except for the Spin Doctors.

You will actually be rewarded in the afterlife for re-gifting.

Captain Crunch should be Admiral Crunch by now.

Walking into Staples and shouting, "Hey where are the staples???!!" isn't funny.

Pennies are inappropriate at strip clubs.

At least wrap them up in coin jackets first.

Dogs with bandana's tied around their necks are not pleased with the accessory.

You should never be subjected to looking at a man's toes.

No one should be arrested for keying a car with vanity plates.

Food tastes immeasurably better on the BBQ when the fire has been starting using one of those "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" books.

While I'm typing this I'm on hold for a company, and they turned Dido's "Thank You" into muzak. Those bastards.

Among the emotions it is impossible to maintain plausibly while wearing leopard sking clothing: stoicism, ferocity, dourness, studiousness.

Never wear leopard sking clothing. Not even down there.

Having a pet ferret does not make you any cooler. In fact it makes the ferret less cool.

A woman's chin and knee's are the most underrated parts of her body. (Think I said that before...worth repeating.)

Try the brisket.

Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.

Women who come from large families are usually more fun.

Bald umpires are excellent, no matter what the sport.

Pigeon-toed people are quicker than splay-footed people.

She looks cute tucking her hair behind her ears, you look ridiculous.

When in doubt, pick "C".

Sinatra is never wrong.

Minor League ballparks serve the best hot dogs.

If it bends its funny. If it bends two ways, it's even funnier. If it bends three ways, marry it.

Whatnot

No woman over the age of 17 has ever been thrilled by the gift of carnations.

The sexiest fruit is the fig, followed by the peach, the plum and the pomegranate.

The least sexy, the Frankenberry.

People who call ping-pong "table tennis" will always beat you.

Wishing we were all still connected on a super-continent known as Pangaea, is probably not the best use of your time.

You cut the fat, you cut the flavor.

No one will tell you the chicken salad was not made today.

Although a failed business is correctly described as "defunct", it does not follow that one that still is opened is called "funct."

Always keep your receipt from Radioshack.

Female pastry chefs are to men as male architects are to women.

There are words to say when playing touch football. "Got you" is fine. "Touchdown", expected. But "Hey too hard!!", that's a no no.

People who are eager to get married can be trusted as much as people eager to get elected.

Because even smiling clowns are scary.

If a Halloween costume is unavoidable, it must preserve your good looks, involve no makeup, and be easily removable in the event of passion.

And the guy in the gorilla suit gets sweaty, not lucky.

Satan loves parents who give their young children rat-tail haircuts.

It's ok if you're overweight. As long as you can dance.

Self-cleaning ovens usually aren't.

Certainly it's your perogative to be difficult in restaurants. Just as it's a restaurant workers prerogative to place unwanted fluids in your meal.

If you are uncertain how much cologne is enough, you are not allowed to use cologne.

The correct description for a photograph of someone else's baby is "Adoreable." Have this word ready to go before the photograph is shown, so that even if the baby is shockingly ugly, you can still utter "adoreable."

A complicated coffee order impresses no one.

The words "Bruckheimer" and "first date" do not belong in the same sentence.

The words "dirt cheap" and "sushi" do not belong in the same sentence - or, rather, if they are in the same sentence, that sentence also often includes, "intestinal parasite".

"Irregardless" is not a word, irregardless of what you say.