Monday, June 18, 2007

Whatnot

No woman over the age of 17 has ever been thrilled by the gift of carnations.

The sexiest fruit is the fig, followed by the peach, the plum and the pomegranate.

The least sexy, the Frankenberry.

People who call ping-pong "table tennis" will always beat you.

Wishing we were all still connected on a super-continent known as Pangaea, is probably not the best use of your time.

You cut the fat, you cut the flavor.

No one will tell you the chicken salad was not made today.

Although a failed business is correctly described as "defunct", it does not follow that one that still is opened is called "funct."

Always keep your receipt from Radioshack.

Female pastry chefs are to men as male architects are to women.

There are words to say when playing touch football. "Got you" is fine. "Touchdown", expected. But "Hey too hard!!", that's a no no.

People who are eager to get married can be trusted as much as people eager to get elected.

Because even smiling clowns are scary.

If a Halloween costume is unavoidable, it must preserve your good looks, involve no makeup, and be easily removable in the event of passion.

And the guy in the gorilla suit gets sweaty, not lucky.

Satan loves parents who give their young children rat-tail haircuts.

It's ok if you're overweight. As long as you can dance.

Self-cleaning ovens usually aren't.

Certainly it's your perogative to be difficult in restaurants. Just as it's a restaurant workers prerogative to place unwanted fluids in your meal.

If you are uncertain how much cologne is enough, you are not allowed to use cologne.

The correct description for a photograph of someone else's baby is "Adoreable." Have this word ready to go before the photograph is shown, so that even if the baby is shockingly ugly, you can still utter "adoreable."

A complicated coffee order impresses no one.

The words "Bruckheimer" and "first date" do not belong in the same sentence.

The words "dirt cheap" and "sushi" do not belong in the same sentence - or, rather, if they are in the same sentence, that sentence also often includes, "intestinal parasite".

"Irregardless" is not a word, irregardless of what you say.

5 comments:

Beth said...

I worked for Funct Inc. for years. They had carnations in the lobby.

Artful Dodger said...

Wow..who'd have know there was actually a business called that?

gizmorox said...

I love these!

6th Floor blog said...

here's a quote from Scrubs about the whole dirt cheap Sushi thing.


PATIENT'S ROOM
Dr. Cox and J.D. are at the bed of their patient, Mr. Strauss.

Mr. Strauss: Basically, I've had nausea and stomach pains for a couple of days now.

J.D.: Mr. Strauss, I don't wanna tell you how to live your life, but maybe you should avoid eating sushi from the Gas 'n' Go.

Patient: It came free with the fill-up! What am I supposed to do, just throw it away?

Dr. Cox: Yes. Yes, you are. Fortunately, though, your vitals are normal, so we'll check back with you in a little while.

They leave the room.

Artful Dodger said...

LOL I actually did see that episode of Scrubs. I loved it. Reminded me of the Simpsons when Apu gave Homer 1/2 expired frozen shrimp.