Breakfast always tastes better in the country.
Especially if any part of it is applewood smoked.
Your wife is pregnant, not "preggers" or "pregs." (This I learned from watching grown men on daytime telle on TLC)
Umpires will never call or resume a game that has been delayed by rain until you have driven exactly 3.2 miles from the stadium.
When lending a friend a DVD or CD, it is always best to make sure the disc is in it's case.
Deduct 10 points from the friend meter if it isn't.
The "Dave" DVD was not in it's case. -10 pts <---That's for you "R"
If your tattoo's design comes out of a well-thumbed catalog with a three-digit number beside it, there's a pretty good chance you're not the wild man you think you are.
Come to think of it, winter deserves shortened Fridays just as much as summer does.
No one will ever be as impressed with your collection of sports memorabilia as you are.
Cordless phones always disappoint eventually.
Letting it go to voice mail is overrated. Just answer the phone and take care of business.
A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.Mail with windows is never good.
If your dream involves an elaborate scheme to urinate, get up and take a pee.
The best villains have accents and walk slowly.
You don't pay cash at the dentist.
The phrase "assume the position" should be avoided on the first date.
Beware of restaurants that have walls adorned with anchors.
Avoid any doctor whose middle name appears in quotes.
Aspire to be the kind of person you've convinced your grandparents you already are.
You are twice as likely to get lost using GPS as you are with a paper map.
The last slice of pie is the tastiest.
If you can't make it good, make it big. And if you can't make it big, make it red.
During the time one is standing above the midget urinal, one is precisely two thirds of a man.
No bioweapons jokes in the cover letter.
Be wary the man who shakes your hand while remaining in his seat.
Restaurants that demand that you call them to confirm are 73 percent more likely to have haughty servers.
Wearing a trash-bag poncho is actually worse than getting wet.
It's never a good idea to eat an egg-salad sandwich on public transportation.
Desperate housewives don't look like that.
You gotta know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em and when to stop quoting Kenny Rogers during poker games.
The house blend is always hotter than the flavored coffee.
Avoid any restaurant where the daily specials are displayed by way of plastic replicas.
A man should never own more than two pairs of convertible pants.
Flame decals do not fool passersby into thinking your car is "hot."
There is no shame in using Western utensils for Eastern cuisine.
After three drinks, before you yell, throw, or type anything, stop for a few seconds and think about just what it is you're up to.
Any medical condition is made less terrifying if you place "the ol' " before it: "the ol' cancer," "the ol' pneumonia," "the ol' herpes," "the ol' gall-bladder."
In ascending order of viscosity: ointment, balm, salve, unguent.
In ascending order of funniness: balm, ointment, unguent, salve.
Nothing good can come from arguing with an old woman.
The calla lily is the best flower.
There is an exactly 2 percent chance that you will be seated next to a beautiful single woman on your next flight.
Less if you're flying first class. Then again, who cares--it's first class.Be wary of trusting another man's assistant.
If your goal is to see a beautiful woman on television, look no further than the Spanish-language networks.
The top three inventions of the last hundred years: Internet, television, breath strip.
There is no masculine way to carry a squash racket.
People will forgive a well-dressed man anything.
Men who complain about wearing tuxedos are twice as likely to have a black-tie wedding.
You can't go wrong with a white oxford shirt.
Only after the host has removed his jacket or tie can you follow suit.
The same does not apply for shoes or shirts. Those stay on.
If you feel uncomfortable, you look uncomfortable.
It is always better to be slightly overdressed than slightly underdressed.What the hell happened to Sesame Street?
When you're sick and even the Price is Right is not playing, you know it's going to be one of those weeks.
Invariably when you have surgery, said surgery will not allow you to sleep the way that is most comfortable.
Can you tell I'm rather bored?