(Just a warning ladies and gents. Beaucoup, muchos, a whole hell of a lot of explicatives. I'm ranting here. Just be warned.)
I'd say that I'm a cool laid back kind of guy. Most people that know me, wouldn't think that I'd hurt a fly. It takes a hell of a lot to tick me off enough to where I'd seriously consider fucking somebody up. I was pushed to that limit this weekend. Fortunately I didn't have to fuck somebody up. Though I still don't think he got the picture...dumb motherfucker.
So here it goes. MTG and myself were invited to a friend of ours apartment for a small party. And I will say that my confrontation wasn't with our most gracious host. He was awesome, even cooked two damn pies. I call him the man, he's so awesome.
No, no, my beef was with an idiot acquaintance of mine, and semi-friend to MTG. She's known him longer than I have, and he's got issues. As in currently drinking issues among many others. I shall from here on out call him "Dumb Motherfucker With Issues" (DMFWI for short). Now don't get me wrong, he's smart, smart as a whip, but he's also fucked up like I said. Lemme splain.
DMFWI comes and goes. Sometimes you see him for a while, a month or two straight, then maybe you won't see him for few months while he roams around doing God knows what, and I don't really want to fucking know what. He's a privileged motherfucker, going to college, parents paying for everything. I repeat EVERY FUCKING THING. Food, clothing, car, insurance, gas, you name it he gets it, doesn't pay for shit. But for whatever fucking reason he like hates his parents. Whatever. Recently as in last Saturday he came back after about a three month hiatus. Not that I could really give a shit where he crawled out from, but it was good to see he was okay. At least I gave him that. As I mentioned MTG knows him better than me, I don't have a problem with that. When he showed up last weekend she talked to him for a while, and told me on the way home she was kinda worried about him. He's got drinking issues among other things she told me. At that time I was thinking poor guy he really needs help. MTG agreed, but she said damned if she was going to be the one to help him. No, no, she didn't want anything really to do with him if she could help it. Which surprised me cause she just said he needed help.
Jump ahead to this weekend. Saturday morning, I was out with some friends of mine. It was just us boys, making plans for some breakie, having some laughs. No biggie. Anyways, a mobile call and quick arrangement later he ends up with us. Whatever. My friend is driving and we head back to pick him up. None of us "really" know this fuck, but okay he can come with. We pick him up and we make small talk. He's acting all..I dunno dumb-fuck.
Me: So...how are your parents doing? (I've met them before nice folks really, very kind)
Him: How should I know?
My friend (1): What do you mean you don't know?
Him: I dunno, haven't talked to them.
Me: Alright...
We change the subject, asking him about school and stuff. Just shooting the shit. My friend knows him a little more than I do. He asks him about some girl that he apparently had been into. He gives some lame answers and most of the time just doesn't answer or shakes his head and says "No" to questions he won't answer. In fact I got tired of his crap and just stopped talking altogether. My friend though is a big talker and just tried to keep the conversation going. But he said something DMFWI didn't like and a little argument ensued. Fortunately then another friend of ours called and it cooled things off and we picked him up.
We ended up at a taco place which was our original goal. We sat down, ordered no biggie. We talked; him interjecting mindless shit every now and again. My other friend (2) whom we picked up last asked him.
Other friend: So who do you hang out with? Not like we see you around much.
DMFWI: Just people.
Other friend: Do you even have friends?
DMFWI: Yeah
All of us: Who?
DMFWI rattles off a few names. MTG is on the list, I take keen interest in this.
Friend (2): Who would you say is your best friend that your closest too?
DMFWI: MTG
I'm thinking "WTF?" I'm seconds from telling him, "Look here motherfucker, I know you two rarely if ever talk. And for a fact she really doesn't want anything to do with you and your drama." But just then waitress came with our food. Friend (2) sees me that I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, Superfly T.N.T., The Guns of Fucking Navarone, I came with in seconds of ending his shit and re-enacting the scene from Layercake when one of the characters damn nears beats another character damn near to death in a coffee shop with his fists a plate of food and boiling pot of tea. I should say that he was also talking shit too besides the MTG info. Just the MTG info put it over the top. After the end of breakie, and dropping him off we decided never to allow this shmuck in our group again.
FFWD to Saturday night. MTG and I are invited to another friend of mines party. We weren't together as we had things to do so I arrived first. I pull up and get out of my car. Who should be standing on the edge of the balcony waving at me like a good friend? DMFWI. My blood pressure just spiked. As I'm climbing the stairs I'm just thinking "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fucking fuckity fuck." Upon my entrance asides from my friend our host, DMFWI was the first to greet me. I walk out on the balcony, DMFWI follows. I make small talk, just "Hello, how are you?".
We go inside. I immediately head for the drinks. Yay!! Wine!! Thank God for small favors. One of the other guests uses my friends wine opener on the first bottle. Pop!! The cork is still in the bottle, but the handle to the cork-screw came off. I'm thinking, "Shit open damn you!! Open!!" I quickly go to my car and get a pair of vice grips to pull the remaining cork-screw and cork out. I got it. The wine was the nastiest shit I've ever had. Dry as hell, and obviously been sitting there forever. I drink it saying "Mmmm..nasty." So our host doesn't feel bad. The other guest who opened the bottle originally looks at me and we think the same thing. "Ick!!" We hastily open a bottle of V8 Tropical Splash and pour it into our wine glasses to make it palatable. I then promptly swallow it down like a bad shot of tequila and switch to water. I should say my friend is single and shares the apt with his brother and room mate, and they just moved in and only have a couch, two dinner tables and a gigantic TV, and a few chairs. No utensils at all in the kitchen. Fortunately other guests bring stuff so it all gets done. I wait for MTG and find a small niche for myself between a wall and table that can barely fit in the kitchen by the window. I sit out of the way watching. MTG called to confirm she's coming after earlier telling me she didn't feel like going.
MTG's friend comes and sits with me and then MTG and her sister show up and sit with me in our little niche as well. Then who should start trying to impress MTG, but none other than DMFWI. I'm not talking paying compliments, but all out flirting, with me sitting right besides her. It's not like a conversation that friendly, no, no this motherfucker is laying it on. Literally taking out his mobile to take who knows how many pictures of her, trying to reach over and hold her hand or touch her, asking her to go with him to have a drink, then inviting her to go to a movie with him right after the party, then typing messages to her on his phone and sliding it across the table for her to read, which all responses were "No". Her response to the going out to drink, as polite and as tactful as possible.
MTG: I have a better idea, why don't you stop drinking for a week. One week, let's see if you can make it. I'll do it with you.
DMFWI just laughs it off.
DMFWI: I have today's been a week.
MTG: Yeah right.
DMFWI continues flirting. I try to get up to get some air as by this point I'm just about ready to reach out and crush DMFWI's larynx but another one of MTG's friends that came to sit with us literally stops me from getting up, and tells me to sit down were I am. Separating anyway for DMFWI to get around the table to MTG. DMFWI never even notices this as he's fixated on MTG.
MTG is looking at him back and just keeps saying, "No", or "Try for just one week, to stop". But he keeps flirting. I get tired of his shit and out of no where I start saying, while I had sub-consciencely pulled out my pocket knife, which was extra long:
Me: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
This gets DMFWI attention.
Me: Oh I'm sorry did I break your concentration?
DMFWI says nothing.
Me: Did I break your concentration?
DMFWI: What?
He so set himself up for this next part, and how honestly can I say that I could use a movie quote damn near word for word for a good purpose.
Me: What country are you from?
DMFWI: What?
Me: What ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak English in what?
DMFWI: What?
Me: ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER!! DO YOU SPEAK IT?
I should say that the TV was so loud no one but those around the table could hear me scream.
DMFWI: Yeah, yeah, I speak it.
Me: So tell me something, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ASKING MY FIANCEE OUT?
DMFWI: No..wait...what??
Me: Say what again motherfucker!! I double dog dare your ass!!
I did something from an old evil me I haven't done since some crazy gypsy days of long ago. I slammed my knife into the table leaving it standing straight up. I was shaking in fury.
DMFWI stood up.
DMFWI: I should get going, it's late.
MTG: Bye (said in a get lost manner)
DMFWI turns to walk away.
Me: One more thing, you ever pull this kind of shit to MTG or bother any other one of these girls with shit like this again....I'll cut your fucking balls you off. (Said while forcefully pulling my knife out off the table) Don't let me see your face again you fucking fuck.
DMFWI left. I felt so bad for what I did, how I acted. I apologized to everyone seated there, and after a few minutes when I saw DMFWI's car leave I got up to leave as well. Only to be told to sit down and relax again by MTG's friend.
Me: I'm so sorry. I completely lost myself, I should never have acted in that way. (I turn and say to everyone at the table again)
MTG's friend turns to me and says. "You rock!!"
MTG: I've never seen you get so mad. And best of all you totally stood up for me. I don't think I've ever had someone fight for my honor like that.
Me: I shouldn't have to do that though, it's not right.
MTG moves over and fixes my hair which I managed to mess up during my yelling fit. She put her arms around my neck and hugs me.
MTG: Thank you.
Me: So if someone flirts like that with me you're going to do the same thing right? (I say jokingly, getting everyone at the table to laugh)
MTG kisses my cheek and looks at her sister. "Give me a knife" she says jokingly.
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