Tuesday, July 17, 2007

More Bathroom Banter and Car Racing Stripes

I've come across a new bloggie that I most definately like. And it even gave me an idea about something dumb I did. Anyways if you like smart, quick witted, funny reads then check out Happy Villian over at "If I Ran the Universe" (http://ifirantheuniverse.blogspot.com/). Now her most recent post gave me the idea for my next story of bathroom banter.

However before that I must tell you about my racing strips that are now on my car. No I didn't have my car repainted. First all its been raining over here for a little over a month now, so during this time I haven't washed my car, cause...well it's always raining. Yesterday however was a gorgeous day. A few clouds here and there but nice and sunny. During lunch I went to fill up with petrol. I always pay with my card for everything, so I never carry cash. Now I'm sure that you all have too. So when you pay at the pump, when you're done it usually asks you if you want a car wash or not. (assuming they have one) Well this one did. Now I usually hand wash my car, carefully cleaning every nook and cranny and detailing it just so and making it sparkle. However since I was at lunch I couldn't do this, plus the fact that it's supposed to rain later on in the week again. But my car was too dirty for my liking. So I opted to buy a car wash. $7 bucks for the Suzy Q, as the machine read. It was the in between cheap and full wash. I figured I didn't want a once over but didn't want the full deal with wax either. So I opted for in between.

In the car wash I went. The machines buzzing around me water running everywhere. I get all giggly in the mechanical car washes for some reason. I just like looking at the water spraying but not reaching me I guess. Anyways I went through, it was done. By this time I had to drive back to work, so I didn't get out to check on the type of job it had done. Now I should note that this wash didn't have those mop looking swirly things that touched your car. This one used high powered water that swirled in circles to clean the vehicle.

So I got to work and was getting my lunch out that I bought and was trying to hold my bag of lunch and tea, and keys and close the door to the car without dropping anything. I did so successfully. Upon closing the door however I noticed, I had a line about 6 inches wide running down the middle of the car all along the side. The machine had totally missed that whole area. So I literally had a line of dirt all the way down the side of the car, the rest was totally clean but I had a line of dirt. I check the other side. Same thing!!! Son of a....!!! I was kinda mad at first but oh well, that's what $7 bucks for a machine to do the work for you does. Needless to say I have racing stripes made of dirt down both sides of my car.

So now on to bathroom banter. This is inspired by Happy Villan's tale of non-intentional self hurting. Oh and I should mention this was about a year ago as well, so I'm all better now. Oh and if your offended by low-brow bathroom humor, stop reading now. :P

It was one of those days where you don't have a clue as to what you want to do for lunch. So I decided Subway. Now I should know better cause for whatever reason Subway always makes me sick to my stomach after eating their sandwiches. But did I listen to my little voice in my head. Nope. So I had one. About an hour after lunch it hit me. My stomach started gurgling profusely. It sounded like a coffee maker perculating. So enough was enough, I had to use the restroom, and away I ran. Now at first everything was fine. No problems, I did what I had to do, it was all good.

However once finished I was at the sink washing my hands. The stomach started perculating again. Oh crap!! Literally!!! I ran back into the loo. My stomach doing somersalts and me trying to get the pants off. Unfortunately for me I made a mistake. Somehow without noticing I zippered up my shirt into my pants. Dammit!! There was no way to lower my pants without taking off my shirt. Now it wasn't a t-shirt or polo shirt, this was a button up dress shirt. So I'd have to either rip it off and all the buttons or take my time undoing every button. Double Dammit!!! I could barely hold it and was hopping up and down in the stall. (Are you on the ground laughing yet? You will be in a second.) With no time to spare I put myself in an awkward position and was able to sit on the loo doubled over on myself cause I couldn't pull my pants down far enough cause when I pulled them down I pulled down my shirt and my top half along with it. So there I sat head almost between my legs. Triple damn!!

Now the worst part was over, the next part was going to begin. The shirt was now firmly zipped up in the zipper and was not going to come out. So now I couldn't properly dress, and I'm at work too. Grrrrrr!!!!! So the only way I could get out of this predicament was to cut off the part of the shirt stuck in the zipper. So I took out my pocket knife. I always carry one. It's not a small one either, it's about 6 inches when extended. (What can I say I'm always ready for a monkey knife fight) I start cutting the shirt. It's a David Taylor so plenty more where that shirt came from. The knife made quick work of the shirt, cutting it like paper. But now there's a piece of shirt stuck in my zipper for all to see. I start cutting it into smaller pieces pulling them out of the zipper. I had just gotten to the last piece still stuck in there. But it wasn't coming out no matter what. So I put my knife under it to try to pry it out while pulling on the top with my other hand to get the piece out. Voila!! It came out!! But I used so much force the knife came out with it and lodged itself halfway inside the hand I was using to pull the fabric out with. At first I couldn't do anything but stare. Holding my hand to my face and looking at the knife in it. No blood, its just in there.

At first I thought. "Ah man that's creepy, but so cool". Then the pain set in. I kept myself from screaming, but was grinding my teeth together very hard. I pulled out the knife, wrapped tissue paper around my hand till it looked like the end of a Q-tip and pulled myself together. Of course by the time I got to the sink the tissue was a bloody mess and the pain was unbelievable. Needless to say I cleaned my hand and my wound and went back to work. Of course I also wrapped those brown paper towels around my hand and got weird looks from everyone. I never went to the doctors for stiches or anything, and it healed and you can't even tell now. But I still have the shirt hanging in my closet as reminder to be more careful, and not eat at Subway anymore.


Beth said...

I'm laughing AND crying. Love the stall story; been there, too. But reading about that gash makes my hand hurt, too.

Happy Villain said...

OH, thank you, thank you, thank you! I now feel a little less silly for the stabbing incident. And I'm grateful that you did not have diarrhea all over yourself in addition to all the other problems! :) Thanks for sharing and making me laugh. I'm glad you're okay, though.