From least chaotic to most chaotic: willy-nilly, hugger-mugger, hurly-burly, pell-mell
Never trust an act of civil disobedience led by a disc jockey.
Girls named after a month of the year are usually more frisky.
It's possible to actually become dumber by watching TV News Magazines
No group of people has worse hairstyles than men in government
When describing the food at a restaurant the waiter should not use the phrase "I have a"
There is nothing more fun than watching couples in movies visit instant-photo booths.
Central and Middle America have very similar names but in fact are very VERY different.
Never play cards with a man who wears a visor. You gotta know when to hold'em know when to fold'em
Barley is the most underrated grain.
The dumber the man, the louder he talks.
If you must use a euphemism for masturbation, the only appropriate one is "sclaping General Custer"
It is borderline acceptable to spell A.M. as ayeem. It is absolutely not acceptable to spell P.M. as peeyem.
As a man gets older his glasses and ears get bigger at exactly the same rate.
The best blind dates are the ones with girls named Kelly or Samantha.
Tollbooths are not for the asking of directions.
Your car never runs better, faster, smoother, than after it's just washed.
Never trust anyone who uses unusual paper clips.
When in doubt go bowling
If a person begins an opinion by saying "Now im not (fill in the blank)", then that person is (fill in the blank).
People who use the word "classy" aren't. Generally speaking. :P
"Partner" is a noun, not a verb
Making a living as a man who turns into a huge green monster with tight tattered pants to fight crime is fine and dandy - it's your choice. But know this: It's a lonely, lonely life.