The Rules

Because we all love rules:

Aliens always speak in contractions

Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom the little boys room.

When someone says he is "pumped" about something it usually means he's about to do something stupid.

"Wow" is not a verb

Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads

There is nothing that can be marketed that cannot be marketed better using the voice of James Earl Jones

No talking at the urinal

The team mascot sleeps alone

Though jazz and brunch are acceptable when separated, the two should never be combined.

If you become annoyed with a telephone customer-service rep, be aware that the words "I'd like to speak to your supervisor" are generally understood to mean "I'd like to speak to your friend in the next cubicle who will pretend to be your supervisor" just so you'll know.

The best force is centrifugal

No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase "Yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic.

When it comes to luggage, men don't pull.

There comes a time in every man's life when airborne livestock is no longer funny.

There is no dignified was to ask why you weren't invited to the pool party.

When introducing yourself, you will not amuse anyone by adding, "And I'm an alcoholic."

Orange things have to be round.

Offering to rub oil over the semi-naked body of a total stranger is as unacceptable on the beach as it is at a bar-mitzvah

The study of inert gasses is best left to professionals.

No matter how greasy the pizza is, you cannot blot it with a paper-towel and expect to be taken seriously.

The ampersand should be more popular.

Words ending in "oma" (e.g., melanoma) are BAD.

Words ending in "iti", "ita" or "ata" (e.g. ziti, margarita, frittata) are just plain delicious.

There is nothing funnier than cursing puppets.

If you ask about her previous boyfriend and she gets a small wistful smile on her face, CHANGE the SUBJECT.