Thursday, August 09, 2007

A Few Things According to Mix Tape Girl

Mix Tape Girl wrote down a few things a man should know and stuck them in my work bag for me to find. Here in it's full glory I am sharing with you. Enjoy. Where she gets this stuff, I dunno.

1. If, when asking a lady to spend the night, she says no, accept it and do not try to tip the scales with an offer of breakfast. Any girl who is swayed by the prospect of an omelette is probably not a keeper.

2. Marry the girl you want to make eggs with (and I don't mean that in any sort of weird, euphemistic sense).

3. Rule: We won't tolerate your lies. Exception: "You're the prettiest girl in the room."

4. Despite your fantasies of lingerie, on the first couple of dates we're probably sporting the much maligned "granny panty." This is a time-honored method of self-restraint. The image of you being greeted by our double-wide, elastic-waist, daisy-covered underwear sufficiently motivates us to behave ourselves.

5. Go for the girl who can eat a proper meal. If she's passionate about food, you'll most likely be fortunate in other venues. (<----So says the girl who eats soup 80% of the time)

6. Notice the small things. The rewards are inversely proportional.

7. Hair extensions and wigs are not the same thing. Wigs are for old ladies and drag queens. Extensions are for women who want longer hair. To be safe, never bring it up if you think a woman is wearing either. No good comes of it.

8. Never take credit for something we actually did. Unless that something is farting. We'll never raise our hands there.

9. You say: "I'm intense." We hear: "I'm a psycho."

10. We don't ever want to have an "intense" time at dinner.

11. The fact that you hesitate before using our razor because it's pink and that might make you seem gay is equal parts cute and pathetic.

12. When we say, "I don't feel connected," the only appropriate response is, "I feel it, too. Let's go out for a nice dinner and reconnect." Try it. You will get laid.

13. Not all women love to shop. Regardless, we all hate "Shop-a-holic" novelty gifts -- T-shirts, memo pads, refrigerator magnets -- depicting a crazy-eyed woman engulfed in shopping bags and holding a smoking credit card. (We do, however, get a kick out of refrigerator magnets that say things like HEY, FAT ASS, THE LOVE YOU CRAVE AIN'T IN HERE!)

15. Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchiness, and I find that insulting!

16. Women like a man who can make a mean pie crust. What could be more fetching than a man with butter on his chin and flour on his shoe? More to the point, pie dough is an ornery, unforgiving substance that must be massaged, beseeched, cajoled even, if it is to ever realize itself as a pie. A man who can turn out a good crust is a man who knows the value of patience, hard work, and the tactile joys of the home.

17. More often than not, we use an adjective before your name when we talk to our friends about you, as in Squishy Steve, Flaccid Frank, Freakshow Charlie, or Perfect Paul. Makes you wonder, huh? (Me:Dammit!!!!)

18. Everything sounds better when your mouth is next to our ear and you whisper it. Everything from "Sorry about the smell" to "I'm going to love you forever, m'lady."

19. We're not just pretending to be annoyed when you keep changing the channel.

20. We don't go blind for split seconds at a time. It's an urban myth. When you adjust yourself, we can see you.

21. Many of us prefer a good single-malt Scotch to an apple saketini.

22. Your Christopher Walken impression does nothing for us sexually.

23. Of course we know how to work the TiVo. We're not stupid.

24. We know: You just push the Select button and then the Play button.

25. Yes, that's the Play button. We can read. Oh, no, sorry, that's the Input button. Forget it. This is impossible. You do it.

26. Women don't take forever to pee. It's other chicks who make us wait. We have absolutely no idea what we're doing in there, and we look at one another in the bathroom line like, What the hell? Then, to keep ourselves occupied, we play with one another's boobs.

27. There's nothing less sexy than catching a guy sniffing the butt of his jeans to see if they're clean. (Me:I told her I just wore them to the corner store and back it was less than five minutes! Jeeze, never let me forget that will ya?)

28. Don't bother with the G-spot until you've mastered the A, B, C, D, E, and F-spots.

29. It's not the thought that counts; it's whether or not we can return it and get what we really want.

30. The three words every woman really longs to hear: I'll clean up.


Beth said...

I love MTG. You found a good one, Artful D.

6th Floor blog said...

Flacid Frank...oh poor Frank.

What I took from that: Everytime a woman farts, lean over and whisper in her ear "sorry about the smell".