Whatnot

You really need more like two apples a day to keep the doctor away.

Harvard Extension is not Harvard

Never select a tatoo just because its on sale.

There is no need to thank someone for their "thank you" card.

A muffin is just a cake in the shape of a mushroom.

A power bar is just a candy bar in a shiny wrapper.

If you're making a sign to hold up at a sporting event, it doesn't hurt to use a dictionary.

When meeting new people: The first name terminating in an "i" is strike one. Dotting the "i" with a heart is strike two. And if it's a guy, that's strike three.

You live to regret trading in those CD's except for the Spin Doctors.

You will actually be rewarded in the afterlife for re-gifting.

Captain Crunch should be Admiral Crunch by now.

Walking into Staples and shouting, "Hey where are the staples???!!" isn't funny.

Pennies are inappropriate at strip clubs.

At least wrap them up in coin jackets first.

Dogs with bandana's tied around their necks are not pleased with the accessory.

You should never be subjected to looking at a man's toes.

No one should be arrested for keying a car with vanity plates.

Food tastes immeasurably better on the BBQ when the fire has been starting using one of those "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" books.

While I'm typing this I'm on hold for a company, and they turned Dido's "Thank You" into muzak. Those bastards.

Among the emotions it is impossible to maintain plausibly while wearing leopard sking clothing: stoicism, ferocity, dourness, studiousness.

Never wear leopard sking clothing. Not even down there.

Having a pet ferret does not make you any cooler. In fact it makes the ferret less cool.

A woman's chin and knee's are the most underrated parts of her body. (Think I said that before...worth repeating.)

Try the brisket.

Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.

Women who come from large families are usually more fun.

Bald umpires are excellent, no matter what the sport.

Pigeon-toed people are quicker than splay-footed people.

She looks cute tucking her hair behind her ears, you look ridiculous.

When in doubt, pick "C".

Sinatra is never wrong.

Minor League ballparks serve the best hot dogs.

If it bends its funny. If it bends two ways, it's even funnier. If it bends three ways, marry it.