Whatnot

No woman over the age of 17 has ever been thrilled by the gift of carnations.

The sexiest fruit is the fig, followed by the peach, the plum and the pomegranate.

The least sexy, the Frankenberry.

People who call ping-pong "table tennis" will always beat you.

Wishing we were all still connected on a super-continent known as Pangaea, is probably not the best use of your time.

You cut the fat, you cut the flavor.

No one will tell you the chicken salad was not made today.

Although a failed business is correctly described as "defunct", it does not follow that one that still is opened is called "funct."

Always keep your receipt from Radioshack.

Female pastry chefs are to men as male architects are to women.

There are words to say when playing touch football. "Got you" is fine. "Touchdown", expected. But "Hey too hard!!", that's a no no.

People who are eager to get married can be trusted as much as people eager to get elected.

Because even smiling clowns are scary.

If a Halloween costume is unavoidable, it must preserve your good looks, involve no makeup, and be easily removable in the event of passion.

And the guy in the gorilla suit gets sweaty, not lucky.

Satan loves parents who give their young children rat-tail haircuts.

It's ok if you're overweight. As long as you can dance.

Self-cleaning ovens usually aren't.

Certainly it's your perogative to be difficult in restaurants. Just as it's a restaurant workers prerogative to place unwanted fluids in your meal.

If you are uncertain how much cologne is enough, you are not allowed to use cologne.

The correct description for a photograph of someone else's baby is "Adoreable." Have this word ready to go before the photograph is shown, so that even if the baby is shockingly ugly, you can still utter "adoreable."

A complicated coffee order impresses no one.

The words "Bruckheimer" and "first date" do not belong in the same sentence.

The words "dirt cheap" and "sushi" do not belong in the same sentence - or, rather, if they are in the same sentence, that sentence also often includes, "intestinal parasite".

"Irregardless" is not a word, irregardless of what you say.