Amongst other things I've taken up smoking

 'Are you hungry?  It's time for food.'  

Our old brown tabby wakes from her slumber at the word food.  She chuffs at me while I get up off the bed and head for the kitchen.  She's old and battle worn, one of her ears split and curled from her battles when she was young.  Now she's old fat and docile.  

It's time for me to eat too.  

Her claws clack on the wood floor as she runs past me towards the kitchen.  I grab her dish and empty and clean out this mornings unfinished food.  She rubs against the corner of the kitchen wall enthusiastically in the same place everyday.  I have to wipe the wall down or she'll leave a stain from her face on the corner if I don't.  I set the food down and she happily eats. Our younger cat saunters into the kitchen and looks at her bowl. 

"Oh shit" I say loudly, "I forgot to cook more chicken for you".  Because we spoil our cats this one only eats dried food and chicken breast.  She's long and lanky, I wish she would eat more. She follows me into the garage as I pull a frozen chicken breast.  I have unthawed salmon in the fridge I need to cook today.  I can do both at once.  I pull out a small pot and place the breast in to boil.  'Your food will be one in about an hour okay.'  She looks at me and then her bowl and walks away looking judgmental. 

I check my phone for music.  I could connect it to the Bluetooth and play music from the sound system in the den.  I don't feel like doing that.  Despite the over a thousand songs on my phone I know there isn't something that I really want to hear on it.  I feel like symphony music.  'Soundtracks?'  I think to myself.  I noticed I hadn't used my SiriusXM app in ages despite paying for it.  My father uses it all the time, I really just have it for him.  'Why not?' I again think.  I don't feel like preparing a track listing myself so I'll try Cinemagic, I haven't listened to it in forever.  

I turn the app on.  I know I had it saved to my favorites since forever.  It's not there.  Apparently they took it away.  Damn it.  Well....I can turn on the PC connected to the TV and just put the genre to random on soundtracks.  I turn it on and it clanks and whirs to life.  It's an older PC, I think to myself that I can't even remember when I bought it.  Not long after Mixtape Girl and I were married.  We only used it for streaming shows before Roku's and Apple TV was a major thing.  Only music is stored on it and not really updated, but it'll do.  

Windows 8 turns on.  A clumsy but inventive system I will admit.  Looks nice but the execution is not there.  The media player is Zune which will give you an idea as to just how old the system is.  Though not updated the music player opens reliably and takes a few moments to load all our old albums.  I search through soundtracks and pick Lawrence of Arabia.  Why, I don't know but I get through the overture and first track before changing albums.  I can't think of what to listen to.  Braveheart maybe.  Again the first two tracks then change.  Thomas Newman's Road to Perdition seems like a good continual option to listen to.  I don't want sad music, I just want something I can ignore. 

I take out the salmon and slice up fillets. Seasoning with garlic, onions, and spices.  I run out to the garden and pick some fresh rosemary and thyme to infuse with the butter to baste the fillets in while they cook.  As I set them to pan fry I chop of zucchini and onions, grapes tomatoes and spinach and set them aside to cook in the pan drippings of the fish. 

While I chop up the vegetables I think of all the events that have happened since I was on here last.  So much has come and gone.  Mixtape Girl lost her dad last year.  Not from COVID, but a freak accident in the driveway of her parents house.  She hasn't quite been the same since.  Her mom didn't take it well either and is trying to cry herself to death literally.  It's a weird situation.  Her mom hurt herself accidentally on purpose and now is in need of constant care.  Mixtape Girl spends the working day there, usually 12 hour days to care for her mom and her other handicapped sister.  She worries that she's abandoning me.  I tell her I'm fine and I'm not going anywhere.  Fortunately we work from home now and can work from anywhere so her working from her parents house isn't a problem.  

She oversees the myriads of therapists coming and going everyday to assist her mother.  Today she texted me a picture of the giant imaging van that came to take x-rays of her mother.  They can come to you now, who'd have known.  

The salmon is sizzling nicely and its time to flip.  I take the opportunity to flip the half frozen chicken for the other cat in the pot as well.  

I've spent these last couple of years in confinement, or what seems like it.  After all that happened I decided that I had take better care of myself.  I'm in the best shape of my life, but it seems like a moot point for some reason.  I run now. On a treadmill but I run.  I've never ran.  Weight lifting, Zumba, a little bit of everything.  I just want to be healthy to take care of Mixtape Girl and the rest of our family.  

I get dinner ready as I know she'll be tired when she gets home.  She usually sits down and falls asleep after eating.  Lately we just watch TV in bed when she gets home and she's out in a few minutes.  The two cats always accompany us.  Somehow between the cats and Mixtape Girl they manage to take up an entire king sized bed leaving me a sliver of an edge to sleep on.  I don't mind.  Even on days she stays over with her mom I confine myself to my sliver of the bed.  

Eventually I start to think about this blog.  I should revisit it tonight I tell myself.  So I do.  I turn back to the SiriusXM app.  I still can't find anything I like.  Initially Al Stewart is singing Year of the Cat when I turn it back on, but that's too much.  I end up on the Spa channel.  Again it's just something I can ignore. 

So much has changed and so much will continue to do so.  There's no point to this post but I just needed to write something today.  I kind of miss writing.  I think I'll try to be back.  

Comfortably Numb

Hello, is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

Is there anyone at home?

COVID - 19 has had a way of getting us back to basics.  The days are long and blurred together, working from home with mix tape girl has many perks.  We're home now, all the time. While many would find this hard to endure we don't mind at all.  We're finally enjoying our home that we've paid so much for.  Going to work day in and day out and returning late at night only to sleep, with only a few hours of daylight each day to enjoy our house.  Weekends were always packed, visiting family, doing chores, no stop no rest, no getting to see thing grow and flourish.  We took time for ourselves sure but being forced to stop makes you enjoy it more. 

We're few and far from the sentiments of many I'm sure.  The cats sit on our keyboards and the tops of our chairs in our home office throughout the day.  They're enjoying being in the room with us all the time, never letting us out of their sight.  From one room to the next they follow us. 

The music hasn't stopped the dancing still continues, everyday a dance in the kitchen for no reasons.  The satellite radio plays, or a mix on our phones.  For fun the other day we made actual mix CD to mail to our nieces.  I made them a dance mix full of stuff kids would love.  They got it already and sent videos of them dancing like fools. 

The cats stare at us with semi contempt when we sing too loud though.  Especially Mix Tape Girl when she hits the high notes.  The little cat runs over and will literally place a paw over her mouth.

As chicken alfredo cooks in the kitchen I sit here, typing away as The Fool on the Hill streams from my phone to the sounds speaker.  Before Q-Tip's Breathe and Stop had us grooving just before work was finished. 

I reflect on my past looking at eBay and old plastic toy cars.  Remember Gay Toys Inc. plastic cars you'd find in every plastic bin at the grocery store?  I miss those. Be careful Googling that toy company, things don't mean what they used to anymore. I collect toys now. I have hobbies outside of music now.  Things have changed, I've changed.  Kids call me "sir" now, it's strange.

Just a little pinprick
 
There'll be no more, ah

But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?

I do believe it's working, good

That'll keep you going through the show

Come on it's time to go

These days time seems to slow down but there's still much to do.  Lately I've been preparing to pressure wash the deck.  It's a pain but it needs to get done.  It's red, along with our little red brick house that Mix Tape Girl loves.  The color of the wrought iron fence surrounding the deck was Navajo red, we opted for more color, it's firetruck red now.  It sparkles in the light as it's high gloss. 

It's a lot of work though, using an angle grinder to remove the old paint.  My arms feel like jello after everyday.  Things hurt now that didn't 10 years ago.  I'm doing the things I swore I would never do as a child.  Own as house, maintain a lawn, grow a garden, have a compost bed. 

There is no pain you are receding
 
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
 
You are only coming through in waves
 
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
 
When I was a child
 
I caught a fleeting glimpse
 
Out of the corner of my eye
 
I turned to look but it was gone
 
I cannot put my finger on it now
 
The child is grown
 
The dream is gone - (but no, it really isn't)

Let's face it.  I've become comfortably numb.  

Talk to you later.  Mix Tape Girl is calling.

Hello from the other side.....

Blows on mic.....

Is this thing still on?

Anyone left here?

Hi, remember me......

I finally remember my username and password. 

My god, has it been over a year since I visited you blog?  Say it isn't so.  It's my fault really for neglecting you.  Seems like everyone has jumped to Facebook or WordPress.  Not me though not yet.  People tell me just friend me on Facebook.  My blank stare tells them I don't have it.  How can you not have one they ask?  "Cause I'd rather not have you all up in my business 24 hours a day", I reply.

Not to say Facebook etc, isn't useful it's just not for me.  I rail against it for no particular reason.  I miss the people and interaction that used to be here. But life does go on. 

So for today, I shall just give an update.  Mixtape girl and myself are doing just fine.  Or little family is growing, we have two cats now.  Much to Mixtape girls displeasure, though her love for me allows me to keep my critters, both strays. 

Today's been a "meh" day thus far.  Started okay but then my wonderful breakfast of oatmeal no less decided that my grooming needed updating.  Thusly the milk inside it decided to come squirting out and give me a Pollock like pattern of milk and oats all over my dress shirt a work.  Leaving lovely yellowish colored stains all over my chest. Seeing as I now have to walk around work all day with stains all over my chest, I want to shout "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!" Throw my files out the window get in my car pick up Mixtape girl and drive off into the unknown. 

This of course will never happen.  I'll go too the loo in a minute and do my best to wash the stains out.  Such is life.  I'll try to type more tonight.  If any of you still by chance read this, I just want to say hi and miss you too.

Mix Tape Mashup

Mix Tape Girl: I can't believe X is getting married to Y. Y's a fucking idiot.

Me: Let's just hope he grows up.

MTG: She knows better. Everyone knows Y's problems. He's a freaking drunk. She knows better.

Me: That's what she wants and there's no talking her out of it.

MTG: I just hope he doesn't beat her.

Me: One can only hope. You just can't talk people out of mistakes when it comes to love. She loves him even though it's a huge mistake and she knows it. There's no talking her out of it.

MTG: Yeah everyone has mistakes. At least my last one fucked himself over before I fell for it. (Then catching herself and what she's saying never talking to me about the "mistake")

Me: (silent, knowing MTG's last mistake but never having asked about it only assumed the mistake, since she talked about him all the time before we ever thought we'd like each other.)

MTG: We're here.

Me: What do you say? Congratulations on marrying a drunk, hope he doesn't go crazy and beat you. Please don't do it.

MTG: You say, "I hear congratulations are order". That way you're not saying congratulations...out right anyways.

Me: Ah...

We enter the restaurant and meet up with X. We have dinner trying hard not to talk about the mess that will soon ensue. MTG and X are talking and my mind wanders off. I think of the mistake MTG mentioned. I dismiss it, who cares. But it starts me thinking about all the girls in my life. Girls from the past, my present with Mix Tape Girl and our future.

I think of songs that go with these girls. I remember the first girl I had a crush on it. Michelle. I remember giving her a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pin. I remember she loved it and wore it on her backpack that whole school year. Elementary was fun. I remember her mom was the crossing guard at the school. Her mom liked me. It remind me of the song Turtle Power by McHammer from the movie.

MTG and X are carrying on. MTG slipping in sly remarks letting X know of her disapproval, that make X cringe since they're true. My mind wanders off as they pay no attention to me.

I think back to middle school and Beverly whom I had a serious crush on. She was a nerd, but a hot one. It reminds me of Rob's line in High Fidelity "One moment they weren't there -- not in any form that interested us, anyway -- and the next, you couldn't miss them. They were everywhere. And they'd grown breasts. And we wanted -- actually we didn't even know what we wanted. But it was something interesting. Disturbing even." I remember her glasses which were so much cooler than mine. I remember sneaking into her posh mobile home park she lived in and sneaking into the swimming pool just to go see her sunbathing. I think, "is posh mobile home park" an oxymoron? It was nice anyways. I think of Jessica whom I had no interest in but she made sure I'd somehow touch her every time in English class. I remember Jessica....huh....not going there. I remember the Cranberries song Linger and The Spin Doctor's Little Miss Can't Be Wrong.

I remember Florence my last year of middle school and staring high school. I remember her staring at me on the field trip to the army base. I remember my friend jabbing me telling me she was looking at me. I remember looking at her and saying my ever so cool opening line of "Hi." But she was too embarrassed to that I s I remember her following me (I kid you not) so we could have lunch together. I remember knowing she was following me, and going the extra long way and taking unnecessary routes to see if she would follow, and she did. I remember her telling me, "I know you're trying to give me the slip". I just wanted to see if you'd follow. We had lunch together everyday and hung out together in gym class and always were lab partners in our Biology AP class. I remember the day I moved, and her face. I remember the kiss she gave me. I'll remember listening to The Smashing Pumpkins 1979 and Green Day's She, together.

I remember Laura when we moved out in the middle of no where. I remember her showing me that there is life in everything. Even when you're stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I remember Tonight, Tonight and sharing music with my friends and being the social butterfly that Laura turned me into. I remember that when a girl asks you to walk with her to the "Bathroom" it doesn't really mean walk me to the "Bathroom", it means lets go get lost together. I remember getting my drivers license and driving around a tiny little town in the middle of no where jamming out to mixed tapes. I remember Laura singing and dancing and jumping around to Veruca Salt's Volcano Girls. I remember the one picture of us I have in a box outside with my old stuff. I remember moving away once again and leaving all my friends I had made behind.

I spent the whole next year basically by myself, oddly enough wanting to go back to the middle of nowhere to be with my friends. But Liliana in my account class made sure I stayed too much out of my funk. Making me wear her headphones and listening to Aqua's Barbie Girl.

Then I met Laurie who took me in as a friend. We became close and shared everything through my graduation all the way past my first encounter with Mix Tape Girl. I remember making mix tapes for each other and installing her car stereo. How she introduced me fully to country music and the Dixie Chicks and gave me a new found respect for Bon Jovi. I remember introducing her to Dido (whom I still absolutely love even if her last album was crap). She critiqued my mixes when I started making them for Mix Tape Girl. We be came so close that I didn't see that she was in love with me. I just thought of her as the sister I never had. I wouldn't learn of this until she married someone that I couldn't stand because he left one of our friends in a dire situation and I was the only one left to pick up the pieces. I'll remember sitting at I-Hop with Ashley Simpson's Pieces of Me playing, and talking with her and another friends about Mix Tape Girl, then making plans to go to a concert me and Laurie never went to. I remember walking out of the restaurant and Laurie jokingly telling me, "Guess that means you don't like me then." But I was too young and dumb to realize it wasn't a joke. I remember thinking she must be joking on my drive back home, but not picking up the phone to ask and make sure. I see her though about once a year and it's nice but things aren't the same. I can't stand her husband and she doesn't really care for Mix Tape Girl but we're cordial and play nice.

X's parents show up and we all smile knowing X is making a huge mistake. We smile politely and enjoy dinner, trying to not bring up the obvious subject except only on occasion to make X cringe a little.

We finish and say goodnight, and drive home. I have these songs floating in my head. I turn on the satellite radio in the car and the next thing I know the Beastie Boys are playing, Jimmy James.

My mind wanders again and before I know it we're home and I'm making a mix CD. The CD is nothing like I imaged it and strayed from it's original intention. The next thing I know instead of a tape for all the girls from my past, I have a CD staring with Jim Croce, You Don't Mess Around With Jim and a bunch of Neil Diamond and Led Zeppelin.

So much for the mix. Either ways it's labeled "To All the Girls I've Loved". Mix Tape laughs at the silliness of the CD every time where in my car.

Something like blood

It's Dec 24 Christmas Eve. All week long it's been close to 80 degrees and foggy and muggy. I'm now sitting in the living room the glow of the outside light in the courtyard lighting the downstairs area. The wind is blowing leaves all around in circles, little whirlwinds sounding like waves crashing against the french doors to our little courtyard. From hot to cold the weather goes in this part of the country. No white Christmas but it's now supposed to be cold at least.

I sit here feeling odd, the meds that I started this week are making me feel off. At times it feels like the blood in my veins is rushing through me like a flash flood making the world move at a 100 mph, sometimes it makes me feel cold and sluggish. Sometimes my muscles feel like their expanding and I fear that I'll turn into the Hulk. Sometimes it feels like my muscles are week and my legs will buckle under me when I walk. It's kept me up last night and I got the bear minimal of sleep. All because I keep getting a rash from the allergens in the air, which no one can figure out why as I have no other symptoms than a rash. I waited for tests that came back as negative, and the doctor had no real options to stop the reactions I keep having.

Doc: We can give you meds to basically shut down your immune system to stop the physical reactions. Or we can give you these other allergy pills and see how it works.

Is all he had to offer. I chose the latter.

Thusly here I sit listening to Broken Bells and Meridene's Something like blood, thoroughly enjoying the lasting and haunting riffs at the end of Something like blood.

Mix Tape Girl has long gone to sleep since coming home early this afternoon after taking the day off to finish shopping. I laid down with her for a few hours wrapping my arms around her. Her body pressed against mine keeping me warm. Feeling her hair in my face as she slept. Feeling her touch always makes me feel better. After a while the meds pull their trick again and I get up.

The night air is getting colder and thinner and I wrap myself up in a big plush blanket and sit in a dark living room listening to music and thinking about my blog and all my dear blogging friends. I sift through the blogs that are still active and catch up with your current events. I do hope you're all well.

I re-read this post and see that it makes no sense but I decide "To hell with it" and post anyways. To my friends out there, stay safe, be happy, enjoy being with family if you can, and know that I keep going and reading your posts when I can.

It'll All Work Out

It's near 11 pm and me and the cat sit in the living room. She climbs on the couch and walks on it's back till she reaches my shoulder. She sniffs the laptop and then lies down partial on the back of the couch and partially on my shoulder.

She's a new edition to our family. A stray with four paws and sharp claws, a rambunctious little critter. Mix Tape Girl can't really stand her but they get along still.

A few moments earlier I was lying in bed with Mix Tape Girl, talking about how we first met. How I had asked her out years ago and how she turned me down.

Me: I never thought I'd hear from you again after they laid everyone off.

MTG: Honestly I was hoping that you'd forget about me.

The answer surprises me and I turn from my lying on my back staring at the ceiling to my side facing directly at MTG.

Me: Why would I want to forget about you?

MTG: I didn't want to get your hopes up. I thought you'd find someone better. I...I..

Me: What?

MTG: I...didn't want an anchor.

Me: What do you mean an anchor?

MTG: I didn't mean it in a bad way. I meant..I meant that you seemed set in your ways, you worked full time, you took care of your parents, you were happy where you were. You were doing good but not really going to go anywhere else really? I just didn't know if you'd stay the same.

Me: Am I still the same?

MTG: No, you've come a long way. I just needed to be sure that if you changed you'd do it for yourself and not for me.

Me: And then a year or so later you called me out of the blue.

MTG: Yep.

I hold MTG in my arms and in a matter of minutes she falls asleep. I lie in bed staring at the dark ceiling. The bedroom recently redone, the few streams of light that come out of the sides of the new room darkening curtains MTG put up last week.

Gently rolling MTG over, I get up and brush my teeth. I'm not tired now so I go downstairs and write in my forgotten blog. Though most of my friends here have migrated to Facebook, I remain here checking on postings from others from time to time.

The cat jumps down and wanders around the living room. Looking back at me from time to time to see if I'm still there. The TV's on low and How I Met Your Mother is on. Sitting back in my chair I think to myself, am I an anchor?

I tell myself that I'm not, and slowly my eyes get heavy. I finish loading new music for work to my Ipod and publish this post into the once vast and traveled seas of Blogger.

Good night friends.