Thursday, January 18, 2007

NYC Update:

Just a funny thing that happend last night after going to see The Phantom of the Opera for...the 6th time. (love that show) Anyways some lady came up to me and said I looked like Clark Kent/Superman, from the Alex Ross comics. I was like, "Wow really? Thanks a lot." But I think I might have been beaten out of that title by the crazy guy in Times Square wearing a Superman costume. I just thought it was silly.

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On the plane to NYC.

Currently up here. This was a few days ago on the trip up here.

Sitting on the aisle seat can be fun, but not always which was the case on the flight up here. There was an extremly portly bald white man sitting right across from me in the next aisle. And stared at me almost the entire trip. Here's how things went down.
r9: (whispering in french to XX, so creepy man won't understand) "That creepy fat, bald guy won't stop staring at me."
XX: "I know"
r9: "Seriously what's his deal? It's not like glance now and then, his head is turned and he's looking directly at me since we took off."
XX: "Maybe we can move seats or something"
r9: "XX, the flights sold out we're stuck here."
XX: "Dammit"
r9: "Does he think I'm going to blow something up or something? Seriously he's really creepy."
XX: "I dunno. I'd be more concerned about that crazy looking goth kid that's been clutching his backpack since we left. Like you couldn't pry it away from him."
r9: "You're paranoid XX"
XX: "You're the one with a chubby bald stalker"
r9: "Shut up! Ewwww!!! He's probably having his way with me in his mind."
XX: "Oh sh*%! He probably is. Ewww!!"
r9: "Alright this has got to stop. I'm gonna mess with his head."
XX: "Don't get us into trouble"
r9: "Muahahahahaha!!! (evil laugh)"
XX: Shakes head.
Turns to icky man and stares back.
r9: (again in french, hey if I don't practice it I'll lose it. ps: translated) "So...what are you looking at?"
Icky man looks puzzled.
Icky man: (in a very southern accent) "Wha...? I'm sorry I don't understand you."
r9: (again in french) "What the hell are you staring at? You haven't taken you eyes off me for the entire trip. Do you want something? You're really creeping me out."
XX: (giggling butt off)
Icky man panics, sweat as thick as Crisco forms on his head.
Icky man: "I ain't got a clue what your saying."
r9: (speaks in english) "I said what are you staring at. YOU haven't taken your eyes off me since we took off. You're really creeping me out."
Icky man says nothing.
r9: "Do you want something, or have a condition that you have to just stare at something? Give me a clue here."
Icky man starts turning red.
Icky man: "I uh....."
r9: "Well can you do me a favor and stop staring at me. It's really bloody freaky."
At which point other passengers are staring. The stewardess comes up.
Stewardess: "Is everything ok."
XX (holding hand in head) "I don't know you."
r9: "This gentleman here can't seem to take his eyes off me. He's been staring at me the entire trip. It's really creeping me out."
Stewardess: "Oh ok"
Icky man turns bright red. "I haven't been staring at you"
XX: "Yes you have. It's really really weird."
Passanger behind us: "Yeah you have man."
Icky man gets upset.
Stewardess: "Tell you what, there's are two seats at the back that aren't taken. If you want to move you can."
XX and I get up and move.
XX: "Thanks for embarassing me."
r9: "You're quite welcome. Feel better now?"
XX: (giggles) "Not too much."
Stewardess comes by. "Everything ok now?"
r9: "Very much so yes."
XX: "Can I trouble you for a rum and coke?"
Stewardess: "Sure"
XX: "Promise me you won't do this again on the flight back."
r9: "I promise nothing."
XX: Pinches me hard
r9: "Alright. Geez."
Thusly we landing in NYC without any other problems and Icky man long gone.
Have fun in TX while I'm gone all. It's bloody freezing up here.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

XX: Why are you so old school?
R9: Cause I want to be.
XX: Yeah, but you. You who went to school to be a network admin, you who can figure out any single gadget there is. You still use a daily planner. You write everything down on paper.
R9: So what's wrong with that? I like paper.
XX: It's just odd that's all.
My friend tells me this as we paruse around the clearance calendar/planner section at Barnes & Noble's. I've always had a planner, since well...since forever.
For my graduation I received lots of gifts. Most of them were stationary, day planners etc. My best friend gave me a one of the first Palm Pilots out there. This was back in 1999 btw.
I fiddled with it. I figured it out without the instructions. But I just didn't like it. So there it sat and still sits, year in and out, collecting dust. I didn't find it helpful to learn how to re-write the alphabet so a palm pc could read my writting, when I could just write it down on paper.
While looking around I stopped to take out my leather day planner and look at it. The cover is nice and soft from how often I've used it. It smells great, from being worn down. I love it. Yet somehow, I feel odd. I have everything at work & home, appointments, meetings, address books, etc, all on my PC.
It would be so much easier to get a Blackberry, Palm Pilot, Pocket PC, and just synch up with it. Outlook, Gmail, Yahoo, all at my finger tips, to use whenever I want. Any and everything available at the push of a button. But one of these little Mini-PC's can't replicate the doodles on a calendar day. Or the little notes scribbled next to some event, at a moments notice. Or the feeling of looking at my address book and seeing the phone number that some girl wrote down so I could call her. They can't leave little messages that I can write down on how to put my life together when an epiphany comes along.
Suddenly I hear someone talking. "So what are you doing?" I'm puzzled. I think "are you talking to me?" This older man is walking towards me talking. "I've told you I can help you. Just tell me when you need the money."
I notice he has an earpiece on him. You know the wireless bluetooth one that makes you look like a Borg from StarTrek. He walks past me. Talking away, oblivious that he's talking loudly. He should be more careful, he's telling his whole financial situation and how much he's got to the world.
I glance around me. More than half the people have phones clipped to their belts. Mini-PC's pinned to them. Most of them are chatting away into space, while the other person on the other end is doing the same probably in some other bookstore somewhere else.
Do I trust my information to one little device? I pull out my phone, from inside my pocket. It's one of those new Samsungs that does just about anything. It's mostly an MP3 player, albeit I never use it or download music to it. I don't use it really but to take a picture here and there or a video, and the occasional phone call. So many features.
XX: What the?
R9: What happend?
Mr. Fancy Pants telling his whole financial situation just dropped his Blackberry. It broke in half. He's making a scene, cussing etc.
I spot a nice stationary calendar/day planner refill in the 2007 clearance items. I open my planner and compare the size to make sure it'll fit. It does. It's nice stationary, the printing is nice and raised, very fancy.
XX: (While on phone/Palm PC) Find one old school?
R9: Yep yep. 60% off too. Ready to go?
XX: (Still on phone. Nods yes.)
I pay and me and XX leave the store. On the way out, a young girl passes us and has a newly wrapped pink leather planner in her hands. Her mom just bought it for her.
I smirk, maybe not so old school after all.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

My Interview With God

FYI: This is just fiction. Meant solely as humor. Don’t be hating now.

So I’m on break and lunch reading news and what not on the internet. And lately I’ve noticed a lot of articles about God. Or more matter of factly a disbelief in God, namely atheism. Like an article I just read about people posting vids on YouTube, claiming that they don't. With most articles having no voice of their own of the Big Guy in the Sky himself. Like God was unavailable for comment.

So far be it for Conjure One to not see both sides of the story. So with a slew of questions and an open mind, I decided to have a Q & A with the man himself. Here’s how the interview went.

C1: So how are you doing today?

G: Pretty good. It’s been one of those days though. You know, still trying to clean up last years mess. But after a cup of joe and a chocolate biscuit, it’s all good.

C1: Awesome. Do you drink Starbucks?

G: Yeah every so often. But I got me one of those Cuisinart DCC-1200 brewers. Best $70.00 bucks I ever spent. But you can’t go cheap on the beans either. Freshly ground’s the way to go.

C1: Oh yeah I’ve seen those. Very nice. And I agree, fresh is best. Hey I rhymed.

G: Totally. Plus you know, Starbucks everyday…it adds up. Those four and five dollar drinks, added up at the end of the month. I look at my bank card statement and its like “ know”.

C1: Oh I know, I cut way back. Now it’s just a treat.

G: Yeah I agree. You should see the angel Gabriel in the accounts dept. He showed me the bill one time. I was like, ok guys, we need to cut back.

C1: Yep.

C1: So I’ve been reading a lot lately about people not believing in you, even posting video’s on Youtube and stuff. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of the articles lately.

G: Oh yeah. (smirks) I’ve read them.

C1: Cool. So may I ask, what’s your take on them?

G: Oh yeah sure. Well I’m fine with it. I mean I don’t force people to worship me or anything. That’s why I gave you all free will. If they do I ask that do so from their heart. A lot of people have this idea that I’m some omnipotent being that forces people to do so.

C1: So how do you defend the fact that you don’t force people to do so?

G: Well truthfully a lot of what people do in worship, I’m quite puzzled with. I don’t remember telling people to start Crusades, inquisitions, etc. Some high and mighty men thought everyone should worship just like they do. Again a man made problem.

C1: So you don’t promote forced belief?

G: Oh my no. See this thing here? (holds up the Bible) People read this and are like, “Oh man this guy is all force people to do this and that, etc.” But then again most people who have these opinions don’t read it. Then again most people who go to church have never read it either. People believe what other people have told them to believe, like from Bible scholars then they draw their conclusions from there. Or “organized religion” supposedly teaches them from here. Most of what they say is made up. Or people just read it to find faults. It’s just common sense stuff. Give me a break guys.

C1: Really? How so?

G: Uhm….Ok. Example. The Trinity. This weird belief of three beings, being one. It’s just weird. I think that whole belief started in Babylon or something, and somehow ended up being taught in Christian religion. Look it up in an encyclopedia for yourself, again a whole belief made up by a few men, then believed by billions. I don’t remember telling any of my writers to put down something like that. I’m amazed that half the stuff you guys believe in has nothing to do with me or the Bible.

C1: So you’re saying a lot of what is taught is made up stuff.

G: Exactly

C1: Hmmm…What about people saying you’re the cause of suffering and then asking why?

G: Let me put it this way. Who invented the gun, the atomic bomb, trans fats?

C1: That’d be us.

G: And who said you had to use them against other men?

C1: Us again.

G: You got it.

C1: But people claim to do so in your name…

G: I know that’s the worst part. I mean how would you like to have a war with millions of people wiped out in “your” name. It’s appalling. It’s like guys, “Come on. Am I making you do this?”

C1: I see your point.

G: It’s just upsetting, sometimes you just got to hang you head and sigh.

C1: I think I get you know.

G: There’s a lot more to it, but that’s the basic thing in a nut shell.

C1: So how about some fun Q&A.

G: Sure. I know what you have planned, this should be good.

C1: Hey, no reading my mind.

G: LOL My bad. Shoot.

C1: Ok, boxers of briefs? The world’s gotta know.

G: Boxer-briefs. The best of both worlds. I gotta say if you all spent more time making inventions like these, the world would be a better place.

C1: LOL. Uhm….ok. Favorite song?

G: It sounds weird, but R.E.M.’s: “It’s The End of the Worlds As We Know It” We jam out to that in the Celestial Chariot.

C1: Awesome. I know all the words to that song.

G: LOL. That’s a talent. When Jesus and I are driving around, we can just do the chorus. We look like Chris Farley and David Spade in Tommy Boy, when the main lyrics come on.

C1: Too funny.

C1: Ok, favorite sentimental song?

G: Wreck of the Edmonds Fitzgerald – Gordon Lightfoot.

C1: Oh really? My dad loves that song.

G: Yeah I know. lol The guys roll their eyes when I crank it up.

C1: So what’s your favorite book of the Bible.

G: I answered this once. But it’s still the same. 2 Samuel. It’s a Godfather Part 2 kinda thing.

C1: How do you view prayer?

G: It’s a great way to talk. But I gotta say, there’s a fine line between prayer and whining.


C1: When are the Red Sox going to win another Series? I’m a big fan.

G: Ohhh….uhm…let me get back to you on that one?

C1: Favorite drink?

G: With or without alcohol?

C1: With

G: A mojito.

C1: I love those. I went on this cruise once and they had a mojito bar. That was awesome.

G: I’ve been meaning to go on one of those.

C1: You should, good buffets too. Just make sure you wash your hands, lots of people don’t. Then you end up sick like they have recently on those ships.

G: Yeah I think personal hygiene was a one of those common sense commands I had them write in the Bible somewhere.

C1: Oh yeah, I forgot were at though.

G: Eh…somewhere in the front.

C1: Oh yeah.

C1: Favorite movie?

G: Lost in Translation. I love Bill Murray. Best actor ever. I might have to smite the Academy if they don’t give him an Oscar soon.

C1: LOL. I agree. That Scarlett Johansen wasn’t bad either (growls)

G: LOL Down boy. Down


C1: Well my times almost up. Any other words of advice?

G: If you have something important to say, always say “BEHOLD” in a loud booming voice, and you’ll get everyone’s attention.

C1: Thanks for the advice.

G: No prob. Take care now.

C1: I will.